Guru

first_imgThis week’s guruBig branding takes over DerbyshireOne Guru disciple, Andrew Powles, has uncovered a conspiracy which hasimplications for all of us. In an e-mail, Powles told Guru of a new book calledJennifer Government, which follows the premise that subsequent to the takeoverof everything by American-dominated corporations, everyone has to take on thesurname of their employer – hence marketing man Hack Nike, for example. A scary idea indeed. Imagine then Powles’ discomfort when he spotted anadvert for an HR officer at North East Derbyshire District Council, withapplication packs available from Martin Derbyshire. Guru recommends disciples change their surnames to their employer of choiceimmediately, thus pre-empting the corporate takeover and ensuring your place intheir organisation. On this note, please send all future correspondence to ‘GuruHawaiian-Tropic-Bikini-Team’. More sex please – we’re stressed The latest figures from the Health and Safety Executive reveal 13.5 millionworking days a year are lost through stress in Britain. Mud immediately getsslung at employers for this, but we must remember that problems at home canattribute to your own personal crisis. This brings us inexorably, as seems to happen rather too often with Guru, tothe issue of sex. There is nothing more stressful than the knowledge that thebirds have stopped getting it on with the bees in your undergrowth. According to a survey by the British Medical Journal, 22 per cent of men and40 per cent of women have been diagnosed with sexual problems. And, a secondstudy found 35 per cent of men and a staggering 54 per cent of women had atleast one sexual problem lasting at least a month. So when the grumbler at the computer next door says they are stressed, stoptheir whining by pointing out that HMV has a great deal on the Good Sex Guide.While Guru wants to help, he warns disciples not to lose sight of the bottomline. As with all business, sex is a race – there’s no prize for second place. Why did the blonde win compensation? Regular disciples might have noticed Guru’s penchant for getting peeved whenthe issue of compensation rears its ugly head. Nowadays, if someone looks atyou the wrong way there will be a no win/no fee chappy who will leap to yourlegal aid from behind the nearest bush. But just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, the Bosnians havereally pushed the boat out. They are set to make blonde jokes illegal under newlaws that will enable women to sue people who make jokes about their haircolour. Not only does this raise the question of whether ‘ginger baiting’ will beOK, but cases brought under the gender equality law will surely be biased, asgentlemen (of the jury) prefer blondes. And what if collar and cuffs don’t match? Can you discriminate againstblonde from a bottle? Conversely, if a blonde dyes her hair brown, would it bealright to call it ‘artificial intelligence’, or would that amount to reversediscrimination? Textual harassment upsets the wives One woman you wouldn’t be rude to, whatever her hair colour, is fitnessinstructor Laura Church, who was fired from Gillingham Football Club aftertexting a congratulatory message to one of the players in the middle of thenight. Miss Church, a member of the British judo team for 10 years, is claiming shewas sexually discriminated against because the message would not have resultedin dismissal if a man had sent it. Apparently, the team chairman said the wives were getting jealous. Gurucan’t imagine a more volatile type of woman to upset than a footballer’s wifewho comes from Sittingbourne, Kent. In fact, Guru is surprised no-one has been murdered. Perhaps there is somekind of official process that needs to be undertaken before a person can belegally battered to death with fake Gucci handbags. Previous Article Next Article Comments are closed. GuruOn 2 Sep 2003 in Personnel Today Related posts:No related photos.last_img